year of searching

It’s funny, I started this blog post back in February and completely shut it off. Then the past few days there’s been this weird weight and all the words just started flowing. Opened up the blog to start writing and found this post, saved as a draft with two measly paragraphs but for the life of me I cannot remember why.

The original post talked about where I was at that time last year and how depressing that thought was – even still when I think about that it shakes me that it went on for so long. (RECAP: check out the anxiety post from last fall). And sitting here now, it’s crazy how much growth and change has truly happened, but at the same time a bit is resurfacing - in a different way though.

At the start of last year, I was so unsure of EVERYTHING! For the life of me, I couldn’t ever pinpoint why. It dissipates and resurfaces every once in a while, but still can’t say “DUH! That’s the problem!” Especially the closer I get to my birthday.

I’ve said it before, but if you would have asked 18 year old Katelyn where she would be just a few weeks out from 26, my life today would probably shock her. I had such an idea of what my life should be, and it’s couldn’t be further from it. And as secure as I am in my life, there’s a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me how far off I am - full disclosure, definitely thought I’d be married & have a kid by now.

For one of my college projects, my group & I wrote about the “quarter-life crisis.” At the time as a 19/20 year old, this seemed so ridiculous. Now that I’m here, wow couldn’t relate more. There are moments when I question past choices, where other decisions could have led me, if I’m doing the right thing now, if I should stop certain things - stop blogging, stop designing, stop my job & start in a whole new field. The “what if’s” constantly run through my mind (especially when there is doubt in one of these areas) - I attribute most of this to my 6ness and 2ness for feeling like I need to do everything.

Anyway, the whole point of this post - see TITLE - is how I’ve spent the year searching. Searching for what sparks joy, what brings peace in those anxious moments, heck what causes the anxiety /truth is probably won’t ever know, what I want the next year to look like, my passions, my style. Really, searching for who I am. So much of the past I’ve defined myself by the things I’ve done, see I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE MYSELF IN AN INTERVIEW, my job, my family. Yes, these things are a part of me & influence me - they aren’t me. I’m learning that my job, my Instagram following, the world, my status don’t define me, and that is more than OK - and even more than OK for it to change.

So, the point of this is to say, it’s OK to not have it all figured out, for plans to change, for passions to change. Because in the end, it’s apart of what makes me, me.